


whichever way i turn... we part ways

by cornerstones



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2018-2019 Figure Skating Season, 5+1 Things, Character Study, Communication, Developing Relationship, Feelings Realization, Getting Together, Happy Ending, In a way, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Post-PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics, Relationship Study, Slow Burn, and how much he actually wants him, maybe more like yuzu's journey in admitting to himself how much javi retiring is affecting him, the title sounds way more angsty than it actually is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 12:57:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19006255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/pseuds/cornerstones
Summary: Yuzuru's familiar with desire, with yearning, blooming from inside of him so fundamentally that at times he felt like his whole being was consumed by him justwantingand doing anything in his power to reach his goal.In retrospect, he reckons he's never noticed just how much he's been wanting something but he never really tried to get it because it's always felt as if it was his already.-----Five times Yuzu wants Javi - and one time...





	whichever way i turn... we part ways

**Author's Note:**

> ...and one time Javi wants him, too.
> 
> *
> 
> i mostly got the idea for this bc i saw a tweet by this poetry bot and... now it's an actual fully fleshed out story, how did this happen :D
> 
> title taken from this tweet https://twitter.com/poem_exe/status/1124831338081673216

In Yuzuru's experience, _impossible_ is just a temporary state meant to be overcome in the not so distant future. He knows the strength of his determination, his work ethic, and he knows that even in his darkest moments he can rely on that. There's been quite a few things he's wanted in his life and those he wanted desperately enough he got – achieved because of seemingly strength of will alone.

So he's familiar with desire, with yearning, blooming from inside of him so fundamentally that at times he felt like his whole being was consumed by him just _wanting_ and doing anything in his power to reach his goal. He also knows utter disappointment and failure, though, because when you're trying day to day to reach new heights you're meant to fall down every few steps. You fall, you learn, you soar. At least that's what his path to success has looked like more times than it did not – except for some occasions of course, where he fell and he had to watch another rise instead.

But then again, in some of his rarer states of mind where he's less selfish he recognizes that even when he failed, when he lost, that harsh blow was always sweetened by seeing who got to win instead. Being truly happy for someone else's win when it meant your own loss is something he's felt only a handful of times but in every instance it's always been for the same person.

Maybe because that person has been a constant in his life for many years. Or maybe because he's always admired him for more reasons than he can count. Or maybe because he's one of the truly kindest people Yuzuru thinks there's ever been. He's never really dwelled on that though, instead he took those moments as reassurance that he's still capable of compassion and then set his new goal, to claim the top for himself once more.

It's because of that, he reckons in retrospect, why he's never noticed how much he's been wanting something that he never really tried to get because it's always felt as if it was his already.

 

 

i.

 

“This is my last time competing alongside you. I will retire.”

It's like his body understands the words long before his mind could possibly process them and his vision blurs as he clings to Javier's shoulder. The foreign words leave his mouth unthinkingly, but they ring true and his heart aches with how much he means them.

“No, I can't– I can't do it without you.”

He feels Javier's hand coming up to hold the back of his neck, knowing he's shielding him from view as much as he can in that moment; it's a small act of kindness that brings even more tears to his eyes. The feeling of just _Javi_ surrounds him, his warmth where his arm and hair touch him, his smell, the soft feel of his shirt's fabric that Yuzuru is still grabbing helplessly.

A second ago he was joking around with Shoma, teasing him about a wobbly landing and how comical he looked trying to save it. He felt light, as if he was floating – he won, again, and this time he got to share it not only with Shoma, the little brother he never had, but Javier, who he wanted to stand beside him four years ago, and he is just so relieved that he is finally sharing the Olympic podium with him. Everything was pure happiness and his mind was calm for a second, waiting for the flower ceremony to start.

And suddenly, just like that, he is falling yet again. He just reached the biggest victory of his career against all odds and there goes Javier – gentle, beautiful, generous, _frustrating_ Javier – and shatters him. ( _Again_ , his mind provides from somewhere deep underneath everything going on around him right now.) He hears Javier talking to him, encouraging him, believing in him as he's always done and everything gets too much for Yuzuru.

Squeezing his eyes closed, he lets go of Javier's shoulder and takes a step back. For a second he needs to not look at Javier because he feels like he wouldn't be able to breathe anymore otherwise. Taking a deep breath, he tries to rein in the tears that won't stop coming before facing the culprit of those again.

English doesn't come naturally to him, especially when his emotions are all over the place as they are now, but he sees Javier standing there, his familiar face open and vulnerable and Yuzuru wants to be cold, wants to turn into steel and let Javier see that his words won't get to his heart. Instead, he can hear the fondness and the sadness in his own voice as he speaks.

“You are so bad!”

But as he's saying it, he catches Javier raising his hand to wipe at his own eyes quickly, an almost blink-and-you-miss-it action, and something settles within Yuzuru at witnessing that. His heart jumps in his throat again as he thinks _oh, this is affecting him, too_. It fills him with as much warmth as it fills him with pain.

Even if he might want it to right now, the commotion around them doesn't stop and he's trying hard to get himself in check again. It's okay, he thinks after a minute, he's shed enough tears for now and as long as he doesn't look at Javier he will be okay. His body is so tuned in to his presence that he can sense him standing right next to him, at the opening to the ice. Deceivingly, his body wants to lean into his warmth again but he tries his best to not acknowledge that.

His plan works only for a few heartbeats longer, because then the announcement rings through the arena again, speaking over the crowd: “Third place: Spain. Javier Fernández!”

His eyes find Javier's in an instant and it's almost like looking at the sun. He bows to him, wanting him to know that he has the utmost respect for him. When he straightens himself, Javier already has his back turned to him and Yuzuru is glad about that for he can feel his face crumble again. Now though he can't keep his eyes off of him as he watches him on Olympic ice, waving to the crowd and skating towards the podium where he belongs. His hands hurt from clapping so hard but he feels so much pride for Javier, he doesn't dare stopping it, not now when he deserves it so much, not even when he wants to wipe his face clear of the freshly fallen tears.

As soon as it's his turn to make his way to the podium, he has gained a bit more control over his emotions and tries to ride the wave of happiness that went through him right before Javier's announcement.

This is easy, he knows. It's easy to get lost in the euphoria and the cheering of the crowd as he watches the people around him from atop of the podium. But as easy and familiar as this situation seems, it's over in an instant and they're supposed to take their last laps on the ice and pose for uncountable flashing cameras. The panic Yuzuru feels at noticing how quickly this moment went by only lasts for a second before he is filled with relief and feels infinitely grateful for once that the official medal ceremony is going to be its own occasion. Because that means that now he can prepare himself for his last podium shared with Javier.

As he is standing next to him, their arms comfortably settled around each other's waist, Yuzuru almost feels like he doesn't want that day to come after all, at least not so soon.

He's appalled at his own train of thought, he earned this medal after all, it's been his goal for the past four years and now he's not impatient to finally hold it in his hands? It's as he's turning to face his friend and embrace him for the umpteenth time that day that he realizes that it's Javier – again – who makes him hesitant about getting his gold medal, who makes him weak and falter.

And yet, his throat constricts at the implication of getting his medal: His time with Javier as a constant by his side will be over.

He lets go of Javier and they raise their hands for a high five.

He remembers he wanted the gold at all cost, after all.

 

 

ii.

 

With the Olympic season finished and the annual ice shows starting, Yuzuru admits to himself that he should start acknowledging how much Javier retiring is actually affecting him.

Ignoring it had been fairly easy in the time after Olympics since he had to focus on his own rehabilitation and he had to ensure that he would be able to really skate again. He's had enough to worry about, so the constantly lurking existential fear weighed more on him than any sentiments or interpersonal attachments. But now that he's done his own show and with FaOI and Heroes and Future just on the horizon, he feels drawn to Javier once again.

It first flared up again when he realized just how disappointed he was that Javier couldn't partake in Yuzuru's own show. He understood of course why he couldn't make it and he smiled and nodded through the pang of hurt going through him when Javier told him. He slipped up a bit, though.

When Javier said that he was sorry for the fourth time during their video call and looked at him with his dark, honest eyes, a sliver of Yuzuru's true emotions colored his voice as he said: “I'm just sad you can't skate here, because you're reason I skate here. Because for you I won.”

The livestream was Javier's idea in the end, even though Yuzuru argued with him that he didn't have to do it, his schedule was already packed as it was. (Then again, maybe his arguments turned out to be half-hearted at best, he is a selfish being after all.)

And as much as he wanted to tease Javier about his subpar skating when the day finally came, as soon as he looked at his face through the camera feed, he just felt giddy to see him again and that his friend would get up before dawn – on his birthday no less – to skate for him in an empty ice rink for two minutes. Javier did this, the same Javier who despised waking up early and who infamously arrived late to practice on many occasions because of that. Yuzuru sensed a tingle going down his spine at that thought.

They were on opposite sides of the world, so there wasn't much he could do for Javier, but he did the best he could given the circumstances. Making the arena sing _happy birthday_ to him was the least he could do, because even if he couldn't do anything else, at least he had control over this.

What he suddenly couldn't control was the softness in his voice when he thanked Javier for skating, without a trace of mockery but only warmth in his words. And when Javier blew a kiss towards the camera, Yuzuru reacted in kind; for a second there, he was longing for Javier's gesture to be meant only for him.

 

 

iii.

 

Looking back on this now, Yuzuru only feels foolish. This is not something he should ever let himself think about let alone allow himself to want. There's already so much going on in his life that he has to take control over, he reckons he can take on one more thing and if he's careful it shouldn't get too complicated. He'll just have to keep a healthy distance to Javier and he'll be fine. He's distanced himself before and it got him the world title back, so he knows he can do it again.

After all, history _has_ proven that if he sets his mind on something, if he wants something badly enough, he can get it. He can do it.

It only takes one look from Javier – his eyes bright and warm when he sees him, his lips already forming a smile, his arms opening up for a hug to say hello – and something within Yuzuru melts instantly. When their arms close around the other and he mumbles a muffled “hi” into Javier's shoulder, his warm chuckle reaches his ears.

“Don't think I forgot about you criticizing my skating.”

That's all the warning he gets before nimble fingers start tickling his sides and Yuzuru starts to giggle and tries to squirm away.

They haven't really talked all that much since CiONTU, especially not face to face, and frankly, Yuzuru has forgotten about teasing Javier after they disconnected the video call during the show. He's definitely forgotten about that particular segment being recorded and that Javier has access to those recordings, and the probably multiple translations out there, just like the rest of the world does. Maybe he didn't think he would actually watch it.

An unfamiliar warmth rushes up to his face at the thought and he blames his sudden breathlessness on Javier tormenting his ribs with his light, tickling touch.

“I only say it your special kind of skating,” he says between giggles.

“' _Drunk_ skating'!” he exclaims in a dramatic voice, making Yuzuru giggle even more.”It was like 5am. _And_ it was my birthday!”

“I make crowd sing to you for your birthday!” he defends, at which the tickling recedes, instead he feels Javier's warm hands rubbing his sides in an all to familiar motion.

“That you did. Thank you, it was really nice.”

Yuzuru answers his smile with one of his own. “See, I not heartless.”

Only now does he notice he still got his hands on Javier's arms, so he tries to withdraw them as subtly as possible. Javier's still holding on to him.

“No, you're really not.”

His voice is soft as he says it and Yuzuru selfishly wants Javier's softness for himself.

Their eye contact breaks off when out of the blue Misha appears with a loud exclamation of “boys!” and then proceeds to fling his arms around them both, causing Javier to drop his hands from Yuzuru's waist. Misha's appearance brings him out of his Javier-induced daze and he thinks he's glad for it.

Here he was, getting pulled in by whatever it is that his friend radiates yet again without even really noticing how vulnerable he's making himself. He's frowning to himself when he realizes that the summer has barely even started and he already failed at seeing his resolution through.

Then again, another, surprisingly strong part of him speaks up that after this summer is over, nothing will be the same, so why not try and enjoy it as much as he possibly could? Of course he will enjoy these weeks, he thinks to himself – he's just got to keep Javier at a bit of a distance. Not too far, only enough so that he won't risk getting swept up in his orbit again. He can do this, one last time.

They're going to part ways, anyway.

But then the summer and the shows pass him by quickly, way quicker than he would have anticipated and all of a sudden he finds himself on the ice for the last part of the final show. It's a surreal realization, even more bizarre than the entire Olympics had been and those had gone by in a blur; this summer though is suddenly over in the blink of an eye and Yuzuru knows he's been acting... weird.

Keeping Javier at a distance did not come as easily as he would've hoped and he knows he's put them in a weird hot-and-cold state; it was hard to maintain any sort of distance when they've not only been reconnecting but getting closer than they've ever been before, resettling new boundaries one touch and one laugh at a time. There'd been moments when he felt so light and like their time could never truly run out that he forgot himself and let his walls down.

Like when when they did their last lap of the show part and impulsively he stretched out his hands behind him, trusting that Javier would answer his non-verbal question and he took hold of his hands almost immediately. Or when Yuzuru was just filled with joy and exhaustion at the end of their last Heroes and Future show in Nagano and all he wanted was to feel Javier's arms around him, which his friend was all too willing to provide. Or like when he landed his first quad sal since the Olympics and his eyes found Javier's face at once, both of them smiling brightly.

Reveling in what their friendship could be, Yuzuru sometimes forgot that their time, this summer, is limited, which usually led to him again stepping out of hugs too soon and fighting back the urge to let innocent touches linger.

Every time it happened, he loathed seeing the look on Javier's face: confusion, but underneath that a quiet resignation coloring his face. It made Yuzuru feel guilty.

And now their summer is over and this means getting back to work – for Yuzuru at least it does. For all his planning and calculating he is infamously known for, he hasn't made a concrete plan about how he will have to adjust to this new training regime. Maybe a part of him (a very childish part, he chastises himself) just didn't want to deal with this new shift and hoped that by ignoring it, it wouldn't turn out be real after all.

Yet here he is, surrounded by all these amazing skaters and a loving crowd and so many banners showing him the support he still has in his country, and he should soak this all up, and he does – but he can't help but try to catch Javier's eyes in the midst of it all. It's not even something he does consciously, it's like his body yearns for his presence, his attention, his touch. Although the rational part of him knows it's not something he should crave as much as he does.

He bans all these thoughts to the back of his mind as his fellow skaters form a line to get seen off by him with a high five or a pat on the back. As always, he enjoys this, enjoys the feeling of unity it gives him and it's always a nice, short break from his usual competitive mindset.

Normally, at this point, he would feel eager to get back into full training mode though, and direct his unwavering focus on the next season and his next goal. This time around, his breath gets stuck in his throat when he comes face to face with Javier one more time and their hug feels final and way too short.

Yuzuru wants to cling to him but he knows there's no time. So instead he pulls him into one more quick round of tic-tac-toe, in reminiscence of how they started out together and they found themselves playing this as a pastime every now and again when communication failed them.

He loses their little game. And as he watches his retreating back for a brief self-indulgent moment before he turns to the next skater, he wishes Javier was coming with him, back to Toronto.

 

 

iv.

 

Pain is nothing Yuzuru isn't accustomed to, sometimes it seems like his whole career is made out of different stages of pain. This one is a bit more extreme than his usual ailments, though.

After the Rostelecom Cup there are a lot of people around him, trying their best to keep him from going down the road of despair while he's trying to quench down all emotions that might want to surface at his current state. It helps remembering what Brian told him, just after his predicament was official and they had a diagnosis to work with.

“I know this is deeply frustrating for you. But remember – you did this before, so that means you can do it again. Trust in your abilities, and trust in your training.”

When he told him that, Yuzuru felt so much appreciation for his coach, he bowed deeply to him as a means to show how grateful he was as well as to stop new tears from welling up in his eyes. He'd shed enough of those in the couple of days before, he figured.

Having a strict daily routine helps keeping the thoughts and feelings at bay and he's grateful for every assignment and exercise he gets, physically or mentally, to work through rehabilitation; _again_.

But it is at night, sometimes, when his body is more exhausted than his brain and his thoughts won't stop spiraling, that neither the encouragement from his coaching team nor from his mother give him any peace of mind. In these moments, everything just feels heavy and dark and he tries to cling onto breathing exercises he's memorized a long time ago that were meant to keep him from developing strong asthma attacks.

He knows he's gonna get up the next morning and face the new day and all its obstacles with lots of people to back him up, but during those nights, alone in his quiet bedroom, loneliness settles over him like a too heavy blanket, smothering him along with any positivity he might still carry within himself.

It's the feeling of defeat, he realizes. Because maybe this is his body telling him to stop. But to just stop skating is not an option and he doesn't know when it might be an option he'd realistically consider. After all, what would be left there for him to do, if he stopped skating? This is his life, and he chose this, knowing fully well what kind of hardships it would entail.

And he's given up a lot of happiness for this.

Whenever he starts struggling to keep on breathing evenly during supposedly calming breathing techniques, he longs to hear Javier's voice. His emotions feel bare, raw, everything hurts and amidst all that pain Yuzuru feels honest with himself; he just wants to hear his friend say that he will be alright, he wants to feel the warmth of his hand on his neck and his waist. He wants Javier with him, if only just a for a moment, because he's the one person who, strangely, knows him best in certain ways.

Although they'd never really talked about it when one of them (mostly Yuzuru) was injured, he finds himself wanting to tell him about it anyway. He wants to open up to him, not as a rival but as... something else.

And Javier would help him, he knows this because that's just who Javier is. He's gentle and kind and caring, everything that Yuzuru can only be when he makes that conscious effort but that Javier just seems to carry with him so naturally. He brings warmth into other people's lives and in this moment, Yuzuru is freezing.

But even if he wants him right now, and he wants him badly, he won't reach out to him, because Javier's gone. He's finished his career, for the most part, and he wants to focus his energy on other parts of his life – his family, his home in Spain. Parts that Yuzuru doesn't belong to, and he wouldn't want Javier to neglect those just because he needs him, too.

They were always meant to part ways, so he guesses it's on him if he's never worked hard enough to keep Javier in his life as something more than simply a training mate and a rival; something else than just an occasional friend that shares the same ice and the same path with him.

With that knowledge he continues with his days in the same fashion as before, with all the support and encouragement he could possibly want bar one.

He's made it so far on his own, he supposes he can keep on wanting Javier on his own as well.

 

 

v.

 

January seems warmer than usual.

The air outside is crisp, the wind refreshing instead of chilling Yuzuru to the bone, his tea warms him up more thoroughly in the mornings when he starts getting eager for another training day on the ice – and Javier is back in Toronto.

His time here is limited though: A three-week training plan has been worked out for him to get him ready for Europeans at the end of the month and even though Yuzuru knows that after a short stay in Spain after the competition, he'll come back to collect his last things that are still here and to have a proper gathering to bid the club goodbye, these weeks are their last time as training mates.

He's beyond glad for their schedules and the resulting shared rink time, even if he's less happy about his own state of recovery. It's so frustrating to know what he's normally capable of, but to feel so far away from his previous form. Having Javier here with him helps a lot, though.

His younger self would scoff at him if he knew that present day Yuzuru is in any way dependent on another person outside his family and coaching team, let alone another skater. But what did his younger self know anyway, in the end?

Unfortunately, having Javier here alone does not automatically mean his bad days are suddenly gone, Yuzuru finds out. His stamina is still a long way off, and his ankle still generally hurts more than it should. He gets tired quite easily and has to push through training sessions that leave him exhausted by the end of it.

The weird thing is that it does not only worry him because of upcoming Worlds but also because, since his body requires so much of his attention, he doesn't get to enjoy his time with Javier as much as he'd like to. There are still times, even on the ice, when everything gets too much and he doesn't know how to turn this all around, after all.

 

One afternoon, during their first week back together, his skating feels too slow, too heavy, too strenuous and he steps out of a camel spin that he can't center quick enough and therefore doesn't have the momentum to pull the blade of his free leg backward. This used to be _so much easier_. The frustration is welling up inside him and he has to take a moment, bracing his hands on his thighs and closing his eyes, to work through the negativity clouding his mind.

A moment later he can hear the sound of someone's blades on the ice gliding towards him but he tries to ignore whoever's coming closer right now, he needs to concentrate on himself. It's only when the person has almost reached him that he opens his eyes because their steps didn't seem to get any slower.

And, sure enough, suddenly he's got his vision full of Javier who grabs his arms, forcing him upright. Reflexively, Yuzuru holds on to his arms as well, the momentum of Javier's arrival making them spin around their own axis.

As he looks at his face, Yuzuru tries to muster up his best unimpressed look, daring Javier to say anything. He should have known his friend has learned to shrug off most of his glares a long time ago.

“Need a little boost?” Javier asks cheekily and it catches him off guard, making him huff out a short laugh.

“Of course, you know I always needed Javi to give me push for spins,” he replies in a sarcastic tone.

“Ah, I knew it.” He has the audacity to grin. “First my quad sal, now my spins. I should have known this would happen.”

Javier's grin is infectious and Yuzuru is too tired to fight it and he finds himself chuckling slightly. “You're silly.”

They let the lighter atmosphere linger for a moment and he notices that they have stopped spinning.

“The spins are giving you trouble?” Javier then asks in a softer, more serious voice.

“Everything giving me trouble,” Yuzuru admits, letting his head drop to stare at the ice between them instead. He can feel Javier's gloved hands rub his arms in a soothing motion.

“You can do it.”

 _How can you sound so sure_ , Yuzuru thinks, shaking his head a fraction, both in disagreement and in amazement of Javier reaching out to him, even now.

“Of course you can.” He thinks he can hear the smile in his words and he's curious to find out if he's right, so he slowly lifts his head again. He is right.

Javier's smile widens a fraction before he says: “You did it yesterday.”

Yuzuru can feel his own smile blossoming, fondly recognizing the words he said to Javier countless times over the years during shared practices. His heart flutters at the onslaught of memories that hit him, but more than that he feels a tingling warmth in his chest at the sight of the man before him.

He tightens his grip on Javier's arms both in thanks and in reluctance to let him leave again.

“Yeah, I did,” he says softly.

They stay like that for a second longer, before Yuzuru pats his arms once, twice and letting his hands fall away; he's kept him enough from his own training as it is.

“Go back to training. I want to see if I can get more from Javi's skating.”

Javier laughs and obediently skates back to where he'd been discussing something with Tracy before he came to talk with Yuzuru.

“I'll keep my eye out on your programs then,” he says, skating backwards, still smiling.

_Yes. Please keep watching me._

When Yuzuru tries the spin again a few minutes later, it's still slower than he would've liked, but this time he manages the transition smoothly. His eyes catch Javier's after a simplified step sequence following the spins and they share a quick smile that lifts the heaviness in his mind a bit.

 

The second week of Javier's training regime starts and his quads are still only barely there. Yuzuru can sense that it makes his friend anxious and he wishes he could somehow help him with it, but with his own training plan that includes absolutely zero quads, merely singles and the occasional double jump if his stamina and ankle will let him, what can he do for him after all?

Even after all these years, he still feels clumsy when it comes to comforting other people, especially in English. Also, he doubts Javier wants him to attempt any sort of consolation, it would probably do more harm than good anyway.

Brian's voice pulls him out of his musings but it is not directed at him: “Come on, take five minutes, you're getting more and more nervous with every takeoff.”

He turns his head and sees Brian on the ice next to Javier, patting his shoulder. Javier lets his head hang and nods tiredly after a deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah okay, you're right.”

He watches him skate off the ice towards some benches where his water bottle and his phone are placed on top of his bag. Seeing how defeated he looks as he skates off the ice sets something in motion inside of him, something urgent that tells him he has to follow him now.

Immediately he starts skating in the same direction, passing a confused looking Brian who made to come up to him next. He calls a “I take five minutes!” over his shoulder and steps off the ice where he unceremoniously sits down next to Javier.

His friend looks up to him with raised eyebrows. “What are you doing?”

“Taking a break,” he says, surprising himself with how casual he sounds.

For a long moment, Javier only stares at him, before nodding his head towards a far off bench. “But your stuff's over there.”

He just shrugs. “But Javi's over here.”

Disbelievingly, he shakes his head and averts his eyes, but Yuzuru can see the tentative smile playing around his lips. “Okay, then. So you maybe wanna share your quad secrets with me? I could need them right now.”

“No.”

At that, Javier looks up at him once more with a frown. “No?”

“No. You already know them, because they are your secrets.” When his friend's frown doesn't ease up, he tries to clarify what he means to tell him: “When I came to Toronto, I thought 'I want to jump like Javi' and I did. So I can't tell you new secrets. My jumps are your jumps first.”

Javier doesn't answer right away, instead he's locked his eyes on him and Yuzuru can't for the life of him decipher that look. Usually, Javier's only intense like this when he's skating, so to have that intensity directed at him makes him feel unsure, like stepping on yet untested ice and not knowing if it will carry him.

He doesn't know what he is searching for in his face and he also doesn't know if Javier found it or not when finally the intensity of the moment is gone, his eyes turning a bit softer and crinkling at the corners when he allows a slight smile.

“Except for your Axel, though.”

The teasing tone surprises a laugh out of him and he raises one shoulder in a half shrug. “Maybe except for Axel.”

Javier's smile morphs into something painful looking after a moment and he sighs. “I'm not 21 anymore. Quads are way harder now.”

“So you just need to train harder.”

His nonchalant tone causes Javier to laugh. “Of course you would say that.”

“What? It's true. You want to give up European title without fight?” At his friend's flat look, he grins. “See? You can win seven time in a row. I wishing I was seven time European champion.”

“You're not even European!” His exasperation is only an act and they both know it.

“Still would like to win that.”

Javier laughs again in fond disbelief and Yuzuru feels a strange sense of accomplishment.

 

These three weeks are both a blessing and a curse for Yuzuru; on the one hand, even though he can only just keep up with Javier's form who then by the end of the month surpasses him technical-wise, being fully ready for Europeans, their shared sessions bring him so much joy all the same. They make him realize that it doesn't just matter that he can be on the ice, it also matters who he shares that ice with.

He can get a bit lost in doing simple stroking exercises with Javier by his side at the beginning or the end of a training session and finds a new calm in the familiarity of it. And if he's completely honest with himself, he just wants these weeks to last forever.

But on the other hand, their time is bound to end, and end it does.

It's the day before Javier leaves for Minsk and Yuzuru is in the locker room, slowly finishing packing his bag. The moment doesn't feel real to him, and that doesn't change when Javier joins him after saying goodbye to Tracy, packing his own bag with faster hands than Yuzuru.

With nothing left to do, the latter sits on a bench, delaying getting up and leaving even though that means keeping his mother waiting, but he can't make himself leave the room. It feels like he would leave his and Javier's relationship behind with that and he's still not ready for this.

Despite his confident expression, his friend seems to feel something similar, because when he zips up his bag, he doesn't shoulder it in the same move and makes to leave as he usually does. Instead he puts it back on the ground and sits down, right next to him.

Neither of them says anything for a few long seconds. What do you say to a person you've always been close to in essential parts of your life but never close enough to maintain that relationship outside of this bubble they shaped for themselves? Seven years is a long time to share with a person but suddenly Yuzuru feels like he's wasted most of it.

“I know I was not always nice or easy person,” he finds himself saying and from the corner of his eyes he can see Javier turning to face him, clearly listening. “You always much more nice than me and I admire you for that. I feel... regret for how I was. And sorry. But I feel very grateful for training with you for so many year.”

Daring to look up at last, he meets Javier's eyes and he's waiting with bated breath for him to react.

“I'm very grateful I got to train with you, too. I don't regret that,” he says with a melancholic smile that Yuzuru returns.

“I'm going to miss you.”

“I'll miss you too.” His hand is on his knee then for a second, squeezing softly. “You're a good friend, Yuzu.”

“Am I?” He evidently didn't expect that sudden question, and neither did Yuzuru to be quite honest. Confusion is written all over Javier's face. “Am I your friend?”

“Of course you are,” Javier says but his slight hesitation before he does so speaks volumes.

“What if I want to call you? Not for skating, as a friend.” He honestly doesn't know where he's going with this but at the same time he can't stop the words from leaving his mouth.

“You can call me.”

“But you _want_ me to call you? Will you call me, too?” It's getting real now and Yuzuru feels Javier slipping through his fingers and away from him and all he wants to do is cling on.

“Yuzu, what do you want to say?” he asks, almost pleadingly.

“What if I want you to stay?”

And that's it, isn't it, the selfish truth he's never dared to speak out loud – until now, and only because Javier asked him to be honest.

Javier takes a deep breath and directs his gaze to the floor. “You seriously want to do this _now_?”

The sudden shift in the atmosphere between them makes him pause.

“Do what?”

“Yuzu, this is my last competition. I'm going to retire. You knew this for a year and _now_ you want to say something?” He exhales soundly, shakily. “You know, this is the most complicate relationship I ever had in my life.”

His heart thumps loudly against his ribcage, an anxious rhythm he cannot rein in. “I don't– I'm not...”

“This isn't... you had so much time, but now you want to say something finally, when I'm leaving tomorrow?”

“I know you leaving,” he says quietly but Javier already continues as if he hasn't heard him.

“You can't do– this isn't fair to me. You had all this time but you never commit, so I thought– what was I supposed to think?”

There is a desperation in his eyes that Yuzuru has never witnessed before and it takes him aback.

“No. No, you– you right.” His throat constricts and he's blinking rapidly against the emotion welling up inside him. This is all going wrong. “I'm sorry. I wasn't– I wasn't good friend. I wasn't good... I'm sorry, you right.”

He stands up hastily and wipes a swift hand over his eyes. He bows to Javier, takes his bag and walks towards the exit with quick steps but before walking through the threshold he hesitates. Inhaling shallowly, he turns to him once more and forces his lips into a smile, though he knows it's a frail, quavering thing.

“I wish you best for Euros. You are so good, Javi. You can do it.”

His smile falls as soon as his back is turned and he steps out into the entrance hall, which is, thankfully, deserted. Wiping his eyes more harshly he starts making his way outside, where his mother's car is waiting in the parking lot.

A deep sense of regret settles in his chest and he wishes he could go back and resolve this... argument or whatever it was that just happened between them. This has never happened before, even in their more distant moments, when they had to be selfish about their own skating and the words said between them were lacking their usual undercurrent of partnership.

It's never felt this – intimate, Yuzuru guesses would best describe it. They have never lost control like that and he can't help but fear that this was officially the last of their relationship.

But more than any of the words spoken does it hurt him that they didn't hug goodbye. Such a simple thing it seems, but it hurts that he doesn't know when, or if, he'll ever get another chance to feel Javier's arms around him again.

 

 

+

 

“Okay, come on, take a short break.”

Yuzuru makes a frustrated noise at Brian's suggestion even though he knows he's right. Today's a shit day and nothing seems to work out the way it should.

“I know, I know,” Brian says in a placating tone, resting a hand on his shoulder. “It'll all come back, you'll see. But now I want you to take a few minutes off the ice and focus on something else, get your mind elsewhere.” He pats his shoulder reassuringly. “You're getting a bit too manic right now. You know, that scares the Juniors.”

He smiles weakly at the joke and nods. “Okay, you right. But only for short moment.”

“Take your time.”

Off the ice, he takes a seat and methodically takes off first his gloves and then his skates to wipe the latter clean before securing the blades with the skate guards and putting them in their bag that's sitting by the bench. Slipping in his shoes and grabbing his phone and earphones, he leaves the noisy rink behind. In the locker room he puts his earphones in but doesn't bother turning any music on, right now he just craves to be in this dulled state where the world around him seems a bit less real.

He lies down on the bench and closes his eyes, tuning out any faraway sounds from the rink that might reach him here.

Sometimes he wonders what his younger self would think of him if he could see him now: A two time Olympic gold medallist who is feeling utterly helpless because someone left him. His younger self would judge him because how could he let himself become so dependent on another person, his biggest rival no less. He's always wanted these medals and titles, so this is what he should concentrate on – success.

But then again, he's also been known to always want more, hasn't he?

Euros are over, Javier is officially seven-time European champion, and also officially retired now. Which means he'll only come back for two, maybe three days sometime in the next two weeks and then he won't ever return to TCC, to Yuzuru.

It's not even the time they had together that ended he's mourning, it's more their last interaction in this very locker room. He still can't believe how their conversation derailed like that and all just because of what he said, because Javier wanted to hear the truth in his words.

( _Did he though?_ an inner voice pipes up. _Or did you just need an excuse to tell him? One last act of selfishness._ )

Massaging his temples, he tries to get rid of the memories, of seeing Javier sitting right here and looking at him with such a complicated expression on his face when Yuzuru turned to him one last time. His heart hurt at that sight, and it still hurts now.

His words put them in a weird state and he doesn't know anymore where he stands with him and this insecurity is deeply unsettling. This is all a mess, and their relationship has been through a lot and has changed in so many ways over the years, but they've never been a mess, not like this at least; with no idea how to reconnect and if it is even possible now and no idea what he now is to Javier. Certainly not a friend, because a friend would have never acted so egoistical when all Javier needed from him was his support.

When he was watching his competition during the last week he was only glad that their argument (for lack of a better word) had not affected his performances apparently, and he wanted to scold himself in the same breath – because who did he think he was to Javier to influence his skating in any way. Evidently, he's always going to be selfish creature, so it's probably for the best that he won't meddle in Javier's life anymore. He deserves only kindness after all.

The irony doesn't escape him, that he was still able to perform well and win a title while Yuzuru feels restricted in his own skating, and it's not only caused by his lingering injury.

He only takes comfort in the fact that his coaches haven't noticed it yet or at least they haven't commented on his uninspired skating. Even if Brian did seem a bit worried when he returned from Belarus a few days ago and picked up coaching him at the rink straight away.

With a sigh he notices he should probably get back to practice. Just a few more breaths and then he'll go.

He hears the door open and almost expects Brian to come and get him but then he realizes that it's not the door to the ice rink, it's the one to the main entrance. _Oh great_ , he thinks sarcastically, now who's going to witness him like this? He opens his eyes and turns his head to the side to check who came in – and then he gasps inaudibly.

It's Javier. He's wearing a dark blue coat over street clothes and a guarded expression on his face.

Yuzuru almost clumsily scrambles to take off his earphones, places them somewhere next to him and gets up from the bench.

“Hey,” Javier says and he looks like he remembers as well how they parted ways right here not even two weeks prior.

“Hi Javi.” His own voice goes up at the end, making it sound like a question. All things considered though, in a way, it definitely is. “Why are you here? Why you not in Spain?”

He doesn't answer right away, his mouth slightly open, and for a moment it seems like he's asking himself the same questions.

“I wanted to talk to you.”

Yuzuru almost says that he has a phone and he could have simply called but he realizes how insensitive it might sound. Instead, he chooses his words carefully and honestly: “I'm glad. I have regret for... for how we left. Before Europeans.”

“Me too.”

Only now does he notice how nervous he is for his frayed nerves quieten down a bit at hearing Javier say that. Because it means there's still a chance for their friendship.

“I feel like I need to explain what– why I said what I said.”

“No, you don't, you were right, Javi. I'm sorry, you don't have to say more.” He can't handle the thought of Javier feeling some kind of guilt over what happened when it was all Yuzuru's doing, but as it seems, Javier has a different idea.

“No, really. Please, Yuzu, just... let me explain.” He waits for Yuzuru's reluctant nod before taking a deep breath, as if readying himself for some sort of admission. He casts his eyes away from his face for a second, licks his lips, takes another breath – then he faces Yuzuru once more, his expression open and vulnerable.

“I thought you only wanted me when it was convenient for you.”

Yuzuru's brain must have short circuit. He cannot comprehend what Javier just said, it makes no sense.

After a pause, he adds: “I felt like you were only... There are always things more important for you and I was not one of these things.”

No, that still makes no sense and Yuzuru is desperate for Javier to know how wrong he is. “You're not. I mean, you _are_ important. I'm sorry I make you feel like I don't appreciate you enough. But I do, I really do.”

There are still a few steps separating them but Yuzuru does not dare to bridge that gap just yet, even if everything in him is burning with the desire to do exactly that.

“Believe me, I know that. I _do_ , Yuzu. But that's just it, I– I was selfish and I'm sorry for that,” he says, his mouth set unhappily.

“You're not!” Yuzuru exclaims, appalled at the mere suggestion Javier could be anything less than the kindest soul there is. “Javi, you're not, you're less... least! _Least_ selfish person I know.”

This whole conversation makes less and less sense to Yuzuru, because in no reality would Javier say what he thinks he's trying to say right now.

“But I was.” He shrugs, his voice full of sincerity. “All this time, I... I guess I was just, you know... Waiting for you to do the first step.”

Yuzuru's nervousness is back, tingling more than ever but this time not so much in fear but in anticipation.

“And then you did,” Javier continues with a rueful smile. “When I was about to leave and... I guess I just was mad with your timing.”

“Well, you told me you retire at Olympics, I didn't like your timing, too,” he quips before he can stop himself but Javier just chuckles, the sound calming his nerves.

“Okay, I guess I deserve that,” he concedes with a smile that Yuzuru missed deeply. They look at each other for a moment, only mere traces of apprehension left in their gaze, but Javier quickly snaps them out of it by clearing his throat and looking down, his hand reaching inside his coat pocket.

“Before I forget,” he says and pulls out a shiny golden medal attached to a rich blue ribbon.

Yuzuru smiles softly at the pride in Javier's posture, and he feels so proud of him, too. “Congratulations. I knew you could do it.”

“Thank you.”

After another visible breath, he steps closer until he's directly in front of Yuzuru. He's so close, he imagines he can feel the radiating heat of Javier's skin on his own.

“Here you go,” he breathes out then, lifts the medal and puts it around Yuzuru's neck.

He stares at him with wide eyes, completely shocked. “You can't do that, Javi!”

“It's my medal and I can do with it what I want,” he replies, the corners of his eyes crinkled happily. His hands still rest shyly on both sides of Yuzuru's neck, as if wanting to keep the medal in place. “And you wanted to know what it feels like to be European champion.”

Javier's undeterred attention on him makes him feel strangely bashful, causing his face to warm up.

“But it's _your_ medal,” he tries again, blinking against traitorous tears that are threatening to well up slowly.

“I know.” He can feel his thumb stroking the fabric over his neck gently. “But you played an important part so I could get there.”

His own fingers have taken hold of Javier's open jacket tentatively and they're so close now. It's not uncharted territory for them; _and yet_. The air around them has shifted into something more personal, more intimate, and he craves Javier's warmth more than anything.

Yuzuru thinks about how he gained his jumps, what he had to risk, still has to risk to land them safely. You fall, you learn, you soar, after all. He's been dying to soar for so long. And he thinks he can see that same yearning in Javier's eyes.

“You want me to do first step?” he asks lowly.

“I was silly, forget it.” Javier sounds breathless. It delights Yuzuru.

He bites his lip, Javier's eyes following the movement, which is all the encouragement he needs to ask: “Can I kiss you?”

A heartbeat. Then, the answer: “Yes.”

Javier's hair feels soft under his fingers, the skin of his neck warm, and his lips move delicately with his own. A tingling sensation drifts through his body and he exhales through his nose when Javier's hands trace down his torso to settle on his waist.

Yuzuru almost shivers when he can feel his hands tightening their hold on him and before long he has to break away from their kiss, not only to breathe but to not get completely overwhelmed as well. He rests his forehead against Javier's and just breathes with him, his hands still caressing his hair and neck. Still it's not enough for him right now, he needs him even closer.

He hides his face in the junction of Javier's neck and presses himself forcefully against his body. Javier's arms fit themselves around his back without missing a beat and he can feel him nuzzling his hair slightly, which makes him grin giddily. He presses his smile into the warm skin of Javier's neck, like a secret only shared between the two of them.

“I missed you so much.”

“God, I missed you too,” Javier says, and he can feel the vibration of his voice against his lips.

He pulls back a little to come face to face with him again and he's greeted with the most beautiful smile that puts any gold medal to shame. Javier's already leaning in again but Yuzuru holds him back, which earns him a raised eyebrow. But there's still something left for him to clarify, once and for all.

He puts one hand on his cheek and his heart flutters at seeing Javier leaning into it, unconsciously.

“I want you. And not only when I have time. Always.”

Javier's eyes go impossibly soft and he takes the hand resting on his cheek in his own to press a closemouthed kiss on his palm. It's such a tender gesture, something that's just so very _Javi_ , and he melts a little bit at being treated so lovingly.

“I want you, too.”

He lets out a laugh that wants to turn into a sob because this is what he wanted – for Javier to want him in turn. And here he is, with this beautiful man in his arms who wants him just as much as he wants him and in this moment, happiness washes through him like rays of sunshine finally crashing through heavy dark clouds.

Neither of them hesitates as they both lean in at the same time, longing to chase the taste of the other's lips and feel them pressed against his own again. Javier cards his hand gently through Yuzuru's hair while the other grabs the back of his training shirt to try and pull him even closer to his body. Naturally, he goes all too willingly, running his hands over Javier's back underneath his coat, yearning to feel all of him as closely as possible.

He's reveling in the feeling of his body under his restless hands and he's hyperaware of every part of his body that touches him, making his skin tingle.

All of it feels so _right_ , like maybe they were always supposed to come together like this, at last. There's a new intimacy between them and yet it doesn't feel unfamiliar in a way. Just different, and exciting, and so incredible.

The definite sound of a door opening reaches their ears, causing them to hastily break apart from each other.

Feeling like a teenager, Yuzuru tries to detangle his hands from around Javier as fast as possible, even if he knows there's no real chance in recovering both their appearances into something a bit less disheveled. As he looks into Javier's equally wide eyes he knows that he is aware of that fact as well; there is frankly no time for them to make themselves look anything close to presentable right now. Yuzuru has to quench the growing smugness that settles in his chest at that thought.

At the sound of measured footfalls, they both turn to them at the same time, watching Brian enter the locker room, eyes shifting between them with an unreadable expression.

After a few tense seconds, Brian says at last: “I was gonna check on you, Yuzu, you were gone for a while now.”

Yuzuru makes to apologize but his coach already directs his gaze at Javier. “And Javi, I thought you left for Spain! What are you doing here?”

Trying to think of an appropriate answer, he looks at Yuzuru who just looks back at him with the same clueless expression. Brian winces.

“You know what, never mind,” he all but mumbles.

Yuzuru and Javier both try to fight a smile, when their coach looks heavenward for a moment.

“Alright. Javi – so good to see you, Yuzu – you still got training.”

At that the latter sobers up, nods multiple times and gathers his stuff from the bench to take with him, but not before asking Javier with undisguised hopefulness in his voice: “I... see you after practice?”

“Yeah. I wait for you.” He beams back at him.

Biting his lips to keep himself from smiling, Yuzuru makes to leave for the rink but stops himself at the door when he notices the weight around his neck. He's still wearing Javier's medal.

Abashedly, he makes to take it off with his free hand to give it back to Javier and only manages to do so in an uncharacteristically inelegant fashion. Javier chuckles at his mumbled apology when he takes his medal back.

Ducking his head Yuzuru's walking towards the entrance to the rink again, feeling Brian's eyes on him the whole time. Just as he's about to walk through the door he can hear him letting out a long-suffering sigh.

“Oh boy.”

The sound of Javier's laugh follows Yuzuru into the rink as he gets ready to go back to work.

 

**Author's Note:**

> me: i'm still emotional abt pyeongchang so maybe i'll write a little thing
> 
> me, almost 10k later: w hat have i donee
> 
> *
> 
> this developed a life of its own, i'm telling you :D
> 
> at first it was supposed to be just a simple character/relationship study with hinted at unrequited feelings bc the title was so beautifully angsty but then my heart couldn't take it and demanded romantic feelings and a happy ending instead
> 
> thank you for reading! <3


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